Thursday, April 10, 2014
I am a survivor
I am a survivor and I have recovered from my abuse with a narcissist. But I will always speak out about this abuse in an effort to bring awareness to it as well as to educate other targets/victims so they can get that “ahhh haaa” moment like I did. When I found this site it was an amazing woman named Michelle (founder of ANA) that took the time to contact me personally and pull me out of all of the fog, educate me, make me go no contact and realize I was a good person. She became a friend and then my family – she encouraged me to write saying that I had a unique and raw talent to explain the abuse in a manner that reached people – so I joined her to support her tremendous efforts to do the same with every and any person that needs help.
With that said I want to talk about recovery and reinforce that there is no set standard that says you have to recover in a specified amount of time – the criteria to recovery is first and foremost “NO CONTACT”, then healing by educating yourself to expel all of the poison you internalized that the narcissist forced down your throat and finally after the fog has cleared using introspection to set new boundaries so that when you love yourself you do it completely enough to put yourself first.
Ask yourself a question – and that is if you had to rate how dehumanizing your narcissist was to you from 1 to 10, what would your answer be. Mine would definitely be 10 plus! I have looked evil in the eyes; I truly believe this now when I look back.
We are prey to a predator. They manipulate us to get close to us, build up our trust, mimic our thoughts and emotions, take full advantage of our vulnerability, and build a relationship with us where we begin to grow with them, need them and depend on them. They groom us and are very shrewd at this. They are psychological terrorists and emotional vampires, and they are dangerous, abusive people.
Then dynamics change drastically once they are done with you, or you leave them, and everything suddenly changes. Our worst nightmare is about to begin!!
They attack our integrity in a manner to destroy our reputation. They tell damaging lies, deceive, and manipulate everyone important in our lives and careers. They act outraged at what you are doing to ‘them’, even though they have abandoned us, deceived us, betrayed us, and USED us. If all else fails, they will manipulate those around them into believing THEY are the victim.
Not once in all of this, do they actually care about their ‘supply’ – yes that is what we are supply, just like every other human being they encounter. We are just an object to them to provide them the comforts of life they deserve and TAKE. They have no conscience so this is all appropriate behavior to them!
All the fake emotions they have shown us, all the words they used to ‘reel us in’, all the ‘I love you’ and ‘I care deeply about you’ and ‘I want to help you’ , were all fake, they didn’t mean a word of it. It was to gain our trust so they could gain entry into our heads and minds to take everything they could, even trying to reach down and grab our souls.
Once exposed, you see their real motives and their real feelings about you. They are in hot pursuit of finding their minions; ensuring no-one believes us when we start telling the truth. They will now set out on a new journey to abuse us and SILENCE us with the help of their supporters, to make sure we seem crazy, or a liar, or evil.
All along, they have absolutely no remorse that they have ripped your heart out; stomped all over it or the pain and destruction they left you with. They have no empathy for the hurt they caused, just a complete sense of entitlement, complete lack of insight, complete lack of courage to face what they have done, and no conscience to face their damaged self – they would rather destroy because they are self-serving and exploit every aspect of life. They are thieves having taken things that they didn’t deserve, accepting kindness as if they earned it, or gifts meant to celebrate a unity we had with them, and a complete lack of love, care, compassion or empathy.
It takes a long time to recover from narcissistic abuse and it’s so hard for many victims to just watch the Narcissist carry on enjoying their lives, whilst the victim grieves, is confused, hurt and lost because they can’t understand how they can do this, after manipulating us by believing they loved us. They don’t enjoy life because they live in a lonely world like a lone wolf – there is no happiness in the darkness where they dwell.
It’s so hard for victims to understand how they were not loved at all, just used and abused, chewed up and then spit back out of the monsters mouth. They leave us with such personalized pain to deal with as well as a horrendous smear campaign where the people close to our lives now believe their lies too.
Recovery is slow and painful, especially when the abuse is still new or raw. It also includes grieving, twice. Grieving the person you thought they were -- the person you also loved and believed loved you too and then grieving the real person or monster they are, the narcissist, who never cared and used you as supply, with no remorse.
Someday this abuse will be understood at a level that will make it a criminal offense. But for the time being you deserve your love back where it belongs – and that is with you. So hug yourself daily and realize you didn’t deserve this, but unfortunately we are left with a debt or price to pay for having loved this non-functioning and manipulative monster and that is calling our spirit back home and learning to love and trust again.
by Greg @ https://www.facebook.com/pages/After-Narcissistic-Abuse-There-is-Light-Life-Love
Why won't my narcissist ex give me closure?
Because giving CLOSURE is tantamount to giving up CONTROL.
CLOSURE involves wrapping things up in a nice little bow and agreeing that it's OVER as a "couple" as "two people" who each have needs to wrap up the last piece of "coupledom" they shared: their break up.
This shows how ONE SIDED the narcissist is towards the relationship ENTIRELY. The narcissist thinks that since THEY'RE FINE with discarding you and acting as if you never existed, that certainly YOU'd have no problem with it, because, well...YOU DON'T EXIST.
When a narcissist is done using you, especially if you made a lot of trouble for them, you know, by standing up for your rights, or sharing your feelings, or God Forbid, confronting them or exposing their secret. Well you've done the UNTHINKABLE! No, it doesnt compare to the abuse done to you, or the smear campaigning or destroying your heart and life - but in their minds, they did none of that! You are the sole perpetrator - how DARE you think YOU DESERVE anything!
It's a sad truth, that we can expect NOTHING from a person who PRETENDS TO LOVE us, gets us to put ourselves in a position to give them our true love, all the while tricking us, setting us up and then stabbing us in the back with a smile on their face.
But it's the truth nonetheless. We can expect NOTHING from a narcissist. No decency. No understanding. No true apology. No true amends. and Ultimately NO CLOSURE.
This relationship requires that we gain our own closure. We give ourselves the answers and know that if a narcissist wanted to speak up to involve themselves in the ending, they would have already. But part of our gaining closure is gaining knowledge about the disorder, which tells us unequivocally that NARCISSISTS WON'T ALLOW CLOSURE - they won't give up that CONTROL. If a narcissist were healthy enough to provide some sort of "joint" closure, then we probably wouldn't be leaving the relationship in the first place.
I am often asked how long it will take to get over a narcissist. Grieving the loss of a relationship with a narcissist is not the same as one with a healthy well-adjusted adult. The process has many stages and can only be understood by those who have been through it.
In a typical breakup, we grieve the loss of love, the pain of saying goodbye, the sadness of something wonderful ending, broken promises and halted dreams.
When grieving a narcissist, this pain is compounded by the reality that this person never loved you. He targeted you. He put on an act and hypnotized, brainwashed & manipulated you for a deliberate purpose: to seduce and control you. And it was for a specific reason: to ensure you would be present to stroke HIS ego and cater to HIS needs.
You realize he is not who you thought he was at all. Not even close. Not even real. There is no resemblance between this selfish, controlling man and the man you fell in love with years ago. You remember, that caring and compassionate man you thought understood you like no one else. Unfortunately, that man does not exist. He never did. And no matter what you do - never will again.
You must also try to understand how you went from being idealized and put on a pedestal to being completely devalued and discarded. You can't do anything right and nothing you do is good enough. You must accept the fact that you were not an object of love to this person, but an object, a mere source of Narcissistic Supply to feed his ego; nothing more, but certainly nothing less.
The only closure you can possibly hope for in a relationship with a narcissist is the knowledge that this person is permanently disordered and disturbed. You must accept him for what he is and all his limitations, must move on and create a new life for yourself.
I believe we must create a new life for ourselves. We owe it to ourselves. Life is short and this is it. This is not a dress rehearsal. This is life. Live it and embrace it. We must live in the moment and be honest with ourselves at all times. We deserve real, genuine love. Believe it or not, there are people out there who are capable of it.
It takes a very, very long time to get over a narcissist. Please be patient with yourself, and by all means, allow yourself to mourn him. Get into therapy. Read all you can. Do not rush into a new relationship in an attempt to avoid the pain. Deal with it now so you can truly move forward.
I grieved more over my divorce six months after it actually happened than I did when I went through it. That's because when you go through a breakup or divorce, you are numb, in survival mode. You are dealing with intense emotions and feelings, while at the same time, trying to create a new life for yourself. It takes incredible strength, courage and determination. All your energy is focused on getting through the transition. You don't grieve until later. Much later. It's all a process.
But you must grieve. You must allow yourself to mourn him. When you do, it is gut-wrenching and painful. This may be where you're at right now. If so, I know it feels like the pain will never end, but trust me, it takes as long as it takes. It will take time, but you have to get it out. Don't be afraid to cry as often as you need. It's cathartic and necessary in order for you to move on. Don't be afraid to get angry... that's your self-esteem returning and you can channel it into doing things for yourself to help yourself heal.
If you repress your feelings, you will remain stuck. We must feel our feelings to move on. Be gentle with yourself and proud that you have the courage to feel. When you feel, you know you're alive, right?
I'd rather feel pain and know I'm alive than feel nothing. The one thing a narcissist can never take away from us is our ability to feel. A narcissist cannot feel at all. A narcissist will never feel, which is precisely why he is so jealous, envious and covetous of those who can.
Be grateful you have the emotional capacity to feel and love again in the future. A narcissist does not have that and will never have that. A narcissist will simply go on preying on people to get his/her needs met - over and over and over. Embrace your life and your ability to feel the joy of love again. It will come to you if you stay true to yourself.
(Note: Women can be just as Narcissistic and damaging as men. This blog post is in no way an indictment of all men as Narcissists.)