Monday, August 11, 2014

if you feel alone, you've probably just been through some kind of abuse.....

and as a survivor.....just want to put this out there to my friends and family, if you get yourself in a super fucked up situation and you think you might die and you feel alone or too afraid to tell anyone, don't worry you can tell your crazy aunt tina about it. i almost died a few times, one of the stories is kind of embarrassing but if you want i'll tell you about what happened sometime....

i practiced a lot of muay thai and that helped shape me into a decent a fighter and coach. and the way we honor all those that came before is to continue teaching so that ideas can continue to evolve. so if you want to learn how it feels to put up some fight i'd love to teach you some techniques and help you practice so you can get to know yourself and so that way in the future effectively coach yourself

"The company you keep, keeps you company. Where there is devotion and love, there is always good company"

i think the parts of my life that were the worst was when I felt alone. it took me a long time to understand because in my mind feelings are just thoughts and don't we basically pretty much just make up the things we think as we're going along? on a fundamental level i just didn't understand my feelings, i was married and i was around people at work everyday so how could i be so lonely? but the truth is i usually trying to be perfect and make everyone happy which resulted in me neglecting myself (which is a form of abuse) and then my (now ex)spouse decided since i abuse & neglect myself that i would make a great target for his malignant narcissism and i was! totally stuck in that cycle of abuse, believing it was love.... mostly because of the way i grew up i didn't know any better so it took me long ass time to learn. it's really hard to hear people who are trying to help you because you're just so used to everyone being co-dependent and taking advantage, so easily recognize that a lot. and then because your emotions are usually going crazy on the inside, you find different ways to appear in control of any thing outside yourself and you just end up feeling very insecure. but anyway.....because i had endured all that abuse i was so confused and clueless to the meaning behind my emotions....i was just reacting to things that offended me. i had no fucking idea what was going on and one of the things i wish someone would have told me back then is that when you're so far away from understanding yourself and you feel THAT alone its usually because you've just been through some kind of abuse.

and whenever that happens the best thing you can do is stop, slow down and take your time to do whatever it takes to heal....

then the next step is learning to recognize those dysfunctional cycles and let them go. all while maintaining awareness of the intent behind your actions and staying conscious of the thought processes behind the scenes. (oh iz that all?!?!)

in my life, i've been lucky enough to have friends and family who did not judge me or try to control me when i was going my through dark times. they did not rush me or take it personally when i just wanted to be alone, because it is important to be alone every once in awhile; to reflect not neglect. when i needed company, they endured the boring lull of my crazy talk while i battled with my emotions and learned my lessons, they stayed around and helped to me to develop healthy boundaries, their presence helped me to experience what it feels like to coexist respectfully as individuals vibrating at different frequencies. these days those thoughts are what i choose to keep in my consciousness so that i can stay grateful and continue learning different ways to be at my best so that i can have something worthwhile to share with my loved ones.

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